The Bible Is Mostly Fictional

  1. Genesis doesn't say "God created the heavens and the earth....and by the's ROUND, not FLAT!" Deuteronomy 13 mentions the ends of the earth, even though a SPHERE does not have ends. Why is this??? Because Moses wrote it and he didn't know it was round even though God did!

  2. Leviticus 11 states that rabbits chew cud, bats are birds, and grasshoppers have four feet. These three statements would make any 9th grade biology teacher cringe.

  3. Genesis 1 states that man and woman were created at the same time. Genesis 2 states that Eve was created after Adam. So which is it?

  4. Eve's punishment for eating the apple was pain in childbirth, pain during sex, and being Adam's property. That's right ladies....the Bible says you are your husband's PROPERTY! Agree with that I dare you. Adam's punishment was that his crops would suck. Sound fair? There's more. Leviticus states that female animals are less valued than male animals. Leviticus 19 tells us that if a female slave is raped, she is punished and the rapist IS NOT! 1 Corinthians 11 says that man was not created for woman, but woman was created to serve man. 1 Corinthians 14 says a woman is forbidden to speak in church. Ephesians 5 condones marital rape. It turns out that being a Christian makes you a chauvinist pig! Oops.

  5. Ridiculous laws in the Bible:
    a) Leviticus 19---Don't wear clothes of more than one fabric, don't cut your hair, don't shave. How does the Marine Corps feel about this?

    b) Leviticus 20---Homosexuals should be executed, children who curse a parent should be executed, people who cheat on a spouse should be executed. This would help traffic a great deal, but it's still stupid.

    c) Leviticus 21---Blind people should not be allowed to worship God. Stevie Wonder just called to say this is stupid.

  6. The translation of the Ten Commandments, eight of which are stupid:
    a) I am a jealous eighth grade girl.

    b) Creating an image of anything God created is a sin. So Michelangelo is in hell for doing that ceiling???

    c) Saying "God damn it" is just as bad as killing someone. Plus it's higher on the list.

    d) Working a second job on Sundays to make ends meet is punishable by death.

    e) Your parents are always right, even though most of them these days are either idiots or assholes or deadbeats.

    f) Do not kill. Unless it's the Crusades, The Spanish Inquisition, a molestation victim of a priest, The Salem Witch Trials, falsely accused black people in the Deep South, Jews in Nazi Germany, or dragging a gay kid behind a pickup truck. Then please go ahead and kill.

    g) No premarital sex, no cheating on your spouse, no masturbation, no oral sex, no anal sex, no birth control, no sex with married people if you're not married. But please ignore the pedophilia, the parents who can't afford so many children, the condemning of divorced people, the coverups of the sexual predator ministers, and the televangelists who used to be gay and/or have hired sex workers.

    h) Don't steal. This one should stay.

    i) Don't bear false witness. This one should stay too...except American culture revolves around lying. Your baby is cute, no your butt doesn't look fat, yes it was good for me, I had a good time and I will call you. No officer I was not speeding, no boss I was not late this morning, the dog ate my homework, she's not prettier than you, it was on sale. I love it when your parents visit, you don't have too many shoes, and I did not have sexual relations with that woman. So....who's going to run Congress if God sends all the liars to hell?

    j) Don't covet thy neighbor's house. Even though coveting stimulates the economy, and without it, we would all die.

    Moses was an idiot.

  7. Deuteronomy 21 requires stoning to death any child who is stubborn or rebellious. I wouldn't be typing this if my parents followed this.

  8. Proverbs 22 says you should beat a stupid child. If all the stupid kids were beaten to death, this would someday be the end of the Democratic Party.

  9. More Links On Religion

    Evil Bible

    Tell Off The Jesus Freaks Here!

    It's so easy to make fun of Jerry Falwell

    Great Job By A Religion Professor!

    Bible Thumper Rules

    Skeptics Annotated Bible

    20 Reasons To Question Christianity

    Debunking Skeptics

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