Jiffy Lube Sucks!

The engine of my 1999 Toyota Camry was destroyed due to a Jiffy Lube employee lacking the intellectual firepower to wipe his own ass neglecting to refill a sufficient amount of oil. The judge at small claims court ruled that my mechanic’s EXPERT testimony was “biased and hearsay”, and therefore inadmissible evidence. Thanks to the trial being held in a backwoods county courthouse not far from the filming location of the movie “Deliverance”, it would be a fair assumption to say things are a little backwards in East Redneck Junction. Most counties don’t give any consolation to the plaintiff if he or she loses. At least I received the complete home collection of “Hee-Haw”.

I knew I was in trouble from the start because His Honor Cletus D. Pencildick asked me to raise my right hand and swear on Willie Nelson’s autobiography. Additionally, His Honor said to Jiffy Lube’s lawyer Counselor Dueling Banjoes: “Nice to see you again”. Sigh. What are the odds that the same courtroom on the bottom floor of a barn at the end of an unpaved road both contained alumni from the same law school---BillyBob’s School of Law, Tuxedo Rental, and Bait & Tackle Shop? Eerie. I also found it strange that, despite most courtrooms containing flags behind the judge, behind Pencildick was a four foot painting of Graceland and a life-size sculpture of Richard Petty made entirely out of beef jerky. I wish I had known this ahead of time; I would have brought him an Elvis shirt and a toy racecar.

Anyway, I gave my testimony that the car ran out of oil in the middle of nowhere and my mechanic testified that in his time of being ASE certified since 1995, he had seen it happen dozens of times. The oil light never came on until I was stranded and my mechanic also testified that he had never seen it happen for a reason OTHER than a negligent oil change. I stated to His Honor that I had written testimony from other mechanics regarding the vehicle’s condition. I stood up to hand him the documents, but The Cross-Eyed Bailiff intercepted me, walked around the donkey, and then passed the documents to Cletus instead. Apparently, approaching the bench is not allowed in small claims court. I should have called William Shatner regarding this entire situation. Denny Crane would have known that their lawyer and the judge were in cahoots. Plus, I doubt Captain Kirk ever ran out of oil battling the Klingons.

At this point, the court reporter, Eula Mae with Hair Rollers, is scribbling furiously with her fountain pen and she runs out of ink! The trial was delayed and upon resumption, Cletus clarified the damages I was seeking, and the Cross-Eyed Bailiff sat down at the abacus to make sure my figures were correct. Pencildick asked me if I had any further questions and I then managed to stammer a “no”. He grinned at me through all seven of his teeth and then asked Counselor Dueling Banjoes if Jiffy Lube had any questions. Oil Change Technician with the IQ of a hotdog stated that he couldn’t remember an oil change from that long ago. Something told me that he couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice. No matter. Then we broke for what some people refer to as “lunch”, but other people might call “squirrel” and “moose”. I couldn’t help but think of Rocky & Bullwinkle.

After lunch, Counselor Dueling Banjoes had some questions for the NEUTRAL insurance investigator that was HIRED BY JIFFY LUBE. I am overweight, but this guy was FAT. Even his teeth had stretch marks. He stated to Cletus D. Pencildick that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a car to run that long without oil. This 400 pound bowling ball with a goatee actually used the word IMPOSSIBLE, as if the Camry had divided by zero or had taught a Dallas Cowboys fan to read. My mechanic refuted that "IMPOSSIBLE" statement and I stated that the Camry was destroyed because of INSUFFICIENT oil; I never said it occurred because of NO oil. Counselor Dueling Banjoes stated that it was my word against the word of a very successful corporation; Pencildick agreed and I was screwed.

Lisa and I are boycotting all of the Shell Oil family: Jiffy Lube, Shell Gasoline, Pennzoil, Quaker State, Gumout, Fix-A-Flat, and Rain-X windshield wipers. I will never set foot in a Jiffy Lube again. I would have to be on fumes in the middle of nowhere (near the courthouse of the trial for example) to ever go to a Shell station ever again.

I feel really bad about it, because I know better than to turn my vehicle over to a total stranger. I was in a hurry (in between tutoring appointments) that day and I will say it WAS done quickly; too bad it wasn’t done correctly. I really try to go through life as an eternal optimist, which occasionally leaves me the subject of ridicule from people who claim to “live in reality”. I try to see the silver lining in any situation. It is not easy to find the good in this situation, but at least I have my Hee-Haw collection.

Does anyone have a BetaMax I can borrow?

Email me!