What would happen if America was a party?
What would each state be doing?
Alabama: Drunkenly tells Tennessee to play "Free Bird" and to turn it all the way up. Grinding on the dance floor between her uncle and her cousin. Announces that her trailer is the envy of everyone she knows. Half her family tree roots for Auburn, the other half roots for Alabama. The family tree doesn't fork.
Alaska: Home schooled and wearing a huge parka. Everyone thinks he's Canadian. Knows he's the biggest guy at the party, but doesn't brag about being big like that motormouth Texas does. Has killed wildlife with his bare hands and tells hunting and fishing stories that embarrass all the rural states.
Arizona: The bouncer. Asks for ID from the Hispanic people. Won't shut up about golf. Thinks it's cool to live next to Nevada and California. Hates living next to Mexico.
Arkansas: Last seen making out with his sister Mississippi. Invited to Alabama's trailer after party. Personally friends with half of the Clinton administration. Left a bag of flaming shit outside Monica Lewinsky's door. His belt buckle has his name on it in two inch letters.
California: Beautiful, stoned, envied by everyone. Keeps trying to borrow money from New York and DC. One ups everyone’s stories. Brings most of the food, plus her lesbian sister from San Francisco, her movie director brother from Malibu, and her hick cousin from Fresno. Got implants on her 18th birthday. Hates Hispanics but afraid to say it.
Colorado: Outdoorsy guy who takes his shirt off in January. Lets the less popular Wyoming tag along because she has no friends. Asks the local cop if he wants a joint. Willing to punch anyone who says John Elway sucks.
Connecticut: Tries to be friends with both New York and Massachusetts, but they hate her for being phony. Leaves early to go to a wine tasting. Bitches that her life sucks because her sailboat is being repaired and so is her Mercedes.
Delaware: Everyone forgot to invite him. Too bad because he would have hosted for free.
District of Columbia: Owns the party venue but wasn't invited.
Florida: Shows up as three dudes. Panhandle recently learned to read. Central Florida has a major tan, owns a strip club, tries to rip you off with Disney tickets, and for some reason speaks with a Chicago accent. South Florida guy is a 92 year old coke dealer dressed like Don Johnson. He has a Jersey accent and won't shut up about LeBron. He has a shuffleboard tournament in the morning.
Georgia: Two women named Atlanta and Rural. Atlanta complains about the traffic and the sports teams always choke. Rural complains about Atlanta being too black, too gay, too Jewish, and too educated. Rural loves NASCAR because nobody at the races is black or gay or Jewish or educated. They both snicker at Alabama.
Hawaii: Shows up three hours late and says the party is at his house. Nobody wants to pay to get there. Nobody wants to subsist on a diet of spam, pineapple, and coconuts.
Idaho: All alone and bored. Brings potato chips and hates the government. Gets a ride home from Utah.
Illinois: Brother sister twins. Chicago is cold, dishonest, and gets away with everything because all his friends are crooked cops and politicians. Downstate hates her brother and would rather hang out with Iowa and Indiana; drives the biggest truck at the party.
Indiana: Skinny white kid who can't jump is in the driveway working on his free throws. Nobody notices he's gone.
Iowa: Brings tater tot casserole and cream style corn. Secretly wishes Nebraska would die.
Kansas: Gets in a fistfight playing basketball with Indiana. Shouldn’t have told him the movie "Hoosiers" sucks. Prefers the Tin Man over the Lion and the Scarecrow.
Kentucky: Last seen making out with West Virginia next to the moonshine. Drinks only mint juleps or bourbon otherwise. Doesn't have anything in common with Ohio and resents Tennessee.
Louisiana: Is usually the host to the best parties with great music and awesome food. Incredibly good at getting the girls to lift their shirts.
Maine: Quietly wants to sleep with California. Hits on New Hampshire as a consolation prize.
Maryland: Punches Virginia in the mouth when she points out that she has crabs. DC attempts to settle the fight and gets clocked by both of them. Threatens to stab anyone who insults Cal Ripken or Ray Lewis.
Massachusetts: Sends Rhode Island to get beer. Doesn't tip him and taxes him instead. Hates New York and everything about her.
Michigan: Gets free stuff because he's unemployed. Tells people at least he's not a Buckeye. Laughs at Wisconsin for stealing the Upper Peninsula from him.
Minnesota: Is nice to everyone but hates Wisconsin and Aaron Rodgers. Brings a hot dish with the ketchup on the side like a nice person would. Wears shorts and it's 40 degrees outside.
Mississippi: Pregnant and drinking and smoking out on the deck. The father is either her brother Arkansas or her cousin Oklahoma.
Missouri: Hangs out with Iowa and Nebraska and gets bored. Hangs out with Illinois and gets mugged. Hangs out with Kansas and gets mocked. Can't understand Arkansas and Oklahoma. Listens to people argue about which is better--Kansas City or St. Louis--and is thrilled to get the attention.
Montana: Comes over in overalls and fixes the washing machine. Has wallet photos of all seven fishing trips last month. Wound up in the emergency room after drunkenly saying "Hey everybody watch this!"
Nebraska: Last seen grabbing Wyoming's ass. Complains about the Huskers being too low in the AP poll. Brags about how great things were in the Nineties. Punches Canada, who has never heard of Tom Osborne. Pisses in Oklahoma's beer just for fun. Knows where all the great steakhouses are. Drinks KoolAid instead of beer.
Nevada: Starts a poker tournament and brings a dozen prostitutes with him. Hands out flyers constantly. Cooks a five star meal that costs $7. Writes and choreographs a topless version of Hamlet in ten minutes. Skypes with Charlie Sheen.
New Hampshire: Refuses to wear seat belts. Bullied by Massachusetts constantly until New York stands up for him. Insists that Vermont is ugly and settles for Maine instead. Turned off by Quebec, which is apparently void of deodorant.
New Jersey: Obnoxious and loud. Tells everyone that his childhood babysitter's cousin went to high school with Snooki's mom. Nobody cares. Furious for not being as pretty as New York City, but likes being hit on by Pennsylvania. Brags about having Bon Jovi and Springsteen on his Ipod as if nobody else does.
New Mexico: Angry because most people don't know she's not part of Mexico. Becomes even more furious when all the guys call her Arizona. Insists that she's Native American, not Hispanic. Nobody believes her.
New York: Twin girls. Upstate is mocked for being West Virginia but colder. New York City is holding court bragging about his money and his winning sports teams and complaining how all tourists are idiots. Both girls deny knowing New Jersey.
North Carolina: Ignored by South Carolina for not being racist enough. Has more in common with Atlanta than with Georgia, but Atlanta is too snobby to know this. Brags about making the best barbecue and having the best basketball. Gets punched by Texas and Kentucky at the same time for making these comments.
North Dakota: Everyone says "who's that"?
Ohio: Keys Michigan's car. Brags about going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 37 times. Has a major craving for chili. Ignored unless the party is during an election year. Explains in detail how LeBron, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Desmond Howard, and Derek Jeter are all overrated.
Oklahoma: Seethes at Texas for pissing in her beer, but it was actually Nebraska. Pretty but doesn't have much money. Friends with Garth Brooks or so she says. Asks the owner where the tornado shelter is "just in case".
Oregon: California is her sworn enemy. Everyone assumes she's just like Washington; she knows they're wrong but can't elaborate why. Wears a poncho indoors and plays hackysack. Uncle owns a ton of stock in Nike. Asks if anyone knows a good pot dealer.
Pennsylvania: A guy named Pittsburgh, a guy named Philadelphia, and a slow guy named Rural. Rural dropped out of high school and has black lung already despite being underage. Philly hates New York City with a passion and hates himself even more. His shirt has cheesesteak stains, he claims to be buddies with Stallone, and he carries a concealed weapon. Pitt is wearing the Steelers logo head to toe, is eating a pierogie, and is the head of the local union.
Rhode Island: Tells every girl at the party that size doesn't matter. Would have had Delaware to talk to if he was here.
South Carolina: Gets racist when he drinks and is fairly racist when he's sober. Says that Fort Sumter started the “War of Yankee Aggression”. Brags to all the girls that he just got 'lectricity. Insecure that North Carolina is better in every way.
South Dakota: Introduces the party to her brother North Dakota. Insists on watching Dances With Wolves, which is met with a resounding COSTNER SUCKS from the crowd.
Tennessee: The party DJ who plays nothing but Elvis and Dolly Parton. Not fond of Kentucky even though many people point out their similarities.
Texas: Unzips his pants to prove that everything really is bigger in Texas. Believes that the person wearing the biggest hat wins an argument. Insists that football was invented in Dallas. Stole a van full of tequila from his neighbor Mexico. His tires are taller than a Saint Bernard. Announces loudly that "there's the 49 of you, and then there's Texas".
Utah: The designated driver. Leaves early and alone because she has to sing in the choir in the morning.
Vermont: Lesbian who shows up with no bra, hairy armpits, and Birkenstocks. Admires Colorado but he's a guy. Has the best weed and suggests snowboarding tomorrow. Thinks Ben & Jerry's is a food group.
Virginia: Embarrassed of West Virginia. Enjoys the irony that she was named after a virgin who was actually a slut. Dual personalities---Northern and Rural---hate each other. Northern is a yuppie lobbyist on the opera board who hosts wine tastings in her Arlington condo. Rural puts the dip cup on the dashboard before she tells the state trooper to kiss her ass. Hates Maryland with a passion.
Washington: Complains about the lack of gluten-free vegan food. Insists on Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Jimi Hendrix all night. Describes to Utah how abortion is a matter of choice but littering is a sin. Utah is horrified and leaves early. Has a T-shirt that says "I have a Space Needle in my pants".
West Virginia: In love with Kentucky but actually interested in Virginia. Has big mountains that all the boys love. Also has cheap beer and can shoot a squirrel for fun or for dinner. Is secretly envious of Alabama for being so classy.
Wisconsin: Started drinking five hours before everyone else did. Actually he didn't stop drinking from the night before. Cooks all the bratwursts, with or without cheese curds on the side. Carries a laminated card explaining why the Vikings, Bears, and Cowboys all suck. Hates Illinois but uses him for money. Is a beer connoisseur. Can't spell connoisseur sober.
Wyoming: Really tired of all the Brokeback Mountain jokes. All the guys compliment her on her "Grand Tetons" but why can't she find a nice guy who loves her for her? Makes out with Nebraska hoping to make Colorado jealous. Gets drunk and apologizes for Dick Cheney while crying.