A Satirical Political Beliefs Assessment Test

What follows are not official party positions. Rather, this is an inquiry into your personal beliefs to determine where you fall in the political spectrum.

Key to abbreviations in test questions that follow:
CONS: Conservative (NeoNazi)
LIBL: Liberal (Bleeding-Heart Tree-Hugging Wacko)
LBRT: Libertarian (Anti government Fruitcake)
COMM: Communist (Pinko Sympathizer)

1: Government's practice of stealing from the rich to give to the poor is...
CONS: a travesty.
LIBL: only fair.
LBRT: a foolish attempt at social engineering.
COMM: an inspiration to us all.

2: The most egregious example of government waste is...
CONS: the Department of the Interior's $600,000 outhouse.
LIBL: the Department of Defense's $600 toilet seat.
LBRT: the $100,000,000 in emergency funds to buy air conditioners for poor people during the blistering heat wave of 1998.
COMM: the Department of Commerce's entire budget.

3: What is your favorite quotation?
CONS: "The entire graduated income tax system structure was created by Karl Marx," by Ronald Reagan.
LIBL: "Taxes are the price we pay for civilization," by Oliver Wendell Holmes.
LBRT: "Government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another," by Voltaire.
COMM: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," by Karl Marx.

4: My drugs of choice are...
CONS: Heineken, martinis, and diet Coke.
LIBL: marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy.
LBRT: whatever the DEA is cracking down on.
COMM: vodka, cigarettes, and reds.

5: What techniques are best for disciplining a child in the classroom?
CONS: No recess for the entire class.
LIBL: Ritalin and Prozac.
LBRT: He or she can leave.
COMM: Firing squad.

6: What is the greatest book of all time?
CONS: "America the Way it Ought to Be", by Rush Limbaugh
LIBL: "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations", by Al Franken
LBRT: "Defending Pornography: Free Speech, Sex, and the Fight for Women's Rights", by Nadine Strossen
COMM: "Communist Manifesto", by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engles

7: What extremist groups have you joined?
CONS: AARP and NRA
LIBL: Queer Nation and Greenpeace
LBRT: NORML and Hell's Angels
COMM: The Bolsheviks and The Sandinistas

8: A cup that only contains half a cup of water is...
CONS: half full.
LIBL: half empty.
LBRT: A shortage caused by government control of our water supply.
COMM: An example of inequitable wealth distribution.

9: We need to get government...
CONS: to stop controlling the boardroom.
LIBL: to stop controlling the bedroom.
LBRT: both
COMM: neither

10: What's the best way to stop people from illegally crossing our borders?
CONS: Seal the borders so no one can get in.
LIBL: Offer illegal aliens a wide array of free services.
LBRT: Allow unrestricted passage across the borders.
COMM: Seal the borders so no one can get out.

11: How do you feel about nude sunbathing?
CONS: Never tried it. Never will.
LIBL: Did it a lot in my college days.
LBRT: I already have skin cancer.
COMM: Naked communists are incredibly ugly.

12: What are your thoughts on castrating (either through chemical or traditional means) a repeat sex offender?
CONS: An eye for an eye.
LIBL: This man deserves a lawyer.
LBRT: What if the guy is innocent?
COMM: It would be easier to just kill him.

13: Global warming...
CONS: is cured by cranking up the air conditioning to full blast.
LIBL: is already upon us. We must tell Sixty Minutes!!!
LBRT: is the Ecological Calamity of the Month.
COMM: could be wonderful if it ruins the West's industrialized economies.

14: Should gay teachers be allowed in the classroom?
CONS: No. Or all their students will learn from them and go to hell also.
LIBL: Yes. Homosexuals must be given preferential treatment when hiring occurs.
LBRT: Yes. Learning academic subjects from gay teachers are not going to turn students into homosexuals.
COMM: No. It might result in a student with confused loyalties.

15: What is your position on sex education?
CONS: Kids should learn from their parents.
LIBL: The schools should teach the difficulties of how to get whatshisface out of your apartment.
LBRT: Did you say something about sex positions?
COMM: Let the most gifted teach the others.

16: What is the meanest most low-down thing a person can do during a kid's soccer game?
CONS: Cheat.
LIBL: Keep score.
LBRT: Play the game in a municipal park.
COMM: Hog all the glory by not being a team player.

17: Who should be required to register with local police authorities?
CONS: Convicted sex offenders and Communists
LIBL: Gun owners
LBRT: No one
COMM: Rabble-rousers and Clergymen

18: What should be the highest law in the land?
CONS: God's Law
LIBL: The U.S. Constitution
LBRT: The LITERAL interpretation of the U.S. Constitutionís Bill of Rights
COMM: The Party Chairman's

19: What would you say to a woman breastfeeding in public?
CONS: "You should use baby bottles, rather than flashing your body for all the world to see."
LIBL: "It really is the best food for the baby."
LBRT: "Let's see the other one."
COMM: "That's a future comrade right there."

20: What would you consider a valid reason for releasing a convict from prison before he has served his entire sentence?
CONS: He is dead.
LIBL: Geraldo thinks the guy will behave now.
LBRT: He is innocent.
COMM: He has found Lenin.

21: The best things in life...
CONS: have a substantial membership fee.
LIBL: need price controls.
LBRT: are subject to the whims of supply and demand.
COMM: have a substantial waiting list.

22: What is your vision for America?
CONS: Two Maine lobsters in every pot, and a BMW in every three-car garage.
LIBL: Clean air, clean water, clean energy, clean food, clean underwear, and dirty movies.
LBRT: Make America a place where government institutions don't micromanage people's lives.
COMM: Implement a fresh, new and revolutionary redesign of corporate hierarchies in America's businesses.

23: What is the single most important factor influencing someone's personal success in America?
CONS: What you know.
LIBL: Who you know.
LBRT: What you do.
COMM: Who you oppress.

24: What are the responsibilities of all good citizens?
CONS: Pay taxes and complain, obey the law, and military service
LIBL: Pay lots of taxes without complaining, recycle, and vote
LBRT: Fight foreign invaders, seek pleasure, and make money
COMM: Unquestioned obedience

25: What's the best way to get people to give money to charity?
CONS: Give contributors a tax deduction
LIBL: Publish the names of rich people who don't donate.
LBRT: Let donating money be its own reward.
COMM: Countries under communist rule have no poor people. Therefore, the most charitable thing anyone can do is to join the Communist Party.

26: The way to relieve prison overcrowding is to...
CONS: Triple the number of people per cell.
LIBL: Parole offenders who promise to try to be good, and never, ever be bad again.
LBRT: Legalize all drugs.
COMM: Community service work details.

27: The speed limit should be...
CONS: 75 MPH on Interstate highways.
LIBL: reduced to 15 MPH to save lives, and resources.
LBRT: abolished. A motorist barreling along at 150 MPH only spends half the time exposed to road hazards as someone plodding along at 75 MPH.
COMM: irrelevant, because everyone should use public transportation.

28: How do you feel about the death penalty?
CONS: It rids the world of one less scumbag, it deters other scumbags, and victims' families feel better.
LIBL: Any killing is wrong.
LBRT: The death penalty is a misuse of government power.
COMM: Midnight disappearances work equally as well.

29: Masturbation...
CONS: is a sin.
LIBL: is an AIDS era survival technique.
LBRT: spells relief.
COMM: is difficult when you have no privacy.

30: The most convincing evidence that brainwashing exists in this country is the fact that some people truly believe...
CONS: That there really is a vast right wing conspiracy.
LIBL: Trickle-Down Economics works.
LBRT: Social Security is a retirement savings and investment program.
COMM: The Domino Theory.

31: What forms of adult entertainment should be legal?
CONS: R-rated movies and that's it.
LIBL: Drinking, Gambling, Prostitution.
LBRT: Every decadent pleasure conceivable by the human mind.
COMM: Vodka!

32: The best place to educate children is...
CONS: Private schools, that stress the Four R's (Reading, Writing, Arithmetic, and Religion).
LIBL: Public schools that stress self-esteem, and expect that students can at least make an "educated" guess on the SAT.
LBRT: in home schools that stress self-reliance.
COMM: in public schools that stress obedience.

33: What's your idea of a wild night on the town?
CONS: Reading Biblical passages.
LIBL: Chaining yourself to a tree near a future mall.
LBRT: Recreating Sodom and Gomorrah.
COMM: Plotting to overthrow the government.

34: If a person buys a product, and then later injures himself using that product, who is ultimately responsible for his injury?
CONS: The person using the product.
LIBL: The business that manufactured the product.
LBRT: The person using the product.
COMM: The owners and managers of the business that manufactured the product.

35: Should a 60-year-old woman be allowed to become pregnant?
CONS: Only if she becomes pregnant without the aid of medical science.
LIBL: A man becomes a father at 60 and people pat him on the back. A woman becomes pregnant and questions arise????
LBRT: Duh.
COMM: No, not without official permission.

36: Things that you think need separation.
CONS: Income and taxes; Wealth and envy
LIBL: Religion and reproduction
LBRT: "Crime" and punishment; Sin and guilt
COMM: Property and landowners; Capital investment and economic return

37: What do you think are good indicators a person might be involved in a criminal enterprise?
CONS: He pleads the Fifth Amendment.
LIBL: He drives an expensive car.
LBRT: He carries a government inspector's badge.
COMM: He has all his teeth.

38: Most poor people are...
CONS: Stupid or lazy or both.
LIBL: Down on their luck.
LBRT: Oppressed by an incompetent government as much as the rest of us.
COMM: Subjects.

39: What should be the minimum requirement for getting a high school diploma?
CONS: 4 years English Literature, 4 years Latin, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Algebra, Geometry, Algebra II, Calculus, 4 years History, Western Civilization, Basic Economics, Marksmanship and Firearms Safety.
LIBL: Able to balance a checkbook and read and write at a sixth grade level
LBRT: Getting passing grades on all your classes.
COMM: Perfect conduct

40: Your 13 year-old daughter says she is pregnant. You...
CONS: tell her she must give it up for adoption.
LIBL: have her go to a local abortion clinic.
LBRT: tell her she has to solve her own problems. Tell her and the father to consider marriage.
COMM: ask the government to support the child from cradle to grave.

41: List simplistic things people should do to help save the Earth's environment.
CONS: Nothing comes to mind.
LIBL: Search for long lost toxic waste dumps. Demand that all Americans adopt a Third World lifestyle. Eat lower on the food chain.
LBRT: Go naked because Mass-produced clothes are ecologically costly to manufacture and distribute. Legalize physician-assisted suicide to alleviate population growth.
COMM: Save water by only showering once a month.

42: What do you fear?
CONS: Interest rates rising, free health care, stock market crashes, false profits, false prophets, homosexuals
LIBL: - Special interest groups, Globalization, Contaminated ground water, Under-cooked hamburgers, Asbestos, The International Monetary Fund, Heavy metals, Buying a car that's a lemon, Bovine Growth Hormone, Tanked oil tanker captains, Disenfranchisement, West Nile Virus, Multinational corporations, Dioxins, Fire Ants, Empty calories, Trichinosis , Deranged assault weapon wielding snipers, Cartels, Housing developers , Lyme disease, Free Trade, Nanotechnology, Acrylamide , Denuding rainforests, Hantavirus , Nuclear arms, Corporate conspiracies, Date Rape drugs, Secondhand smoke , Ebola, Diesel Soot , Strangers, Freon, Overpopulation, Genital warts, Serial killers, Botulism, Polychlorinated Biphenyls, Desertification, Road Rage, Sexual Predators, Acid rain, The hidden tentacles of big business, Lead poisoning, Defoliants, Nuclear power, Random violence , Overfishing, Urban sprawl, Identity theft, Flesh eating bacteria, Disinformation, Gene therapy, Plutonium , Carcinogens, E. coli , Radon gas, The World Trade Organization, Flurocarbons, Legionnaire's disease, Deforestation, Biotechnology, Sexual harassment, Africanized killer bees, Price manipulation, Mercury , Lobbyists, Radioactive waste, Schoolyard assassins, Deceptive advertising, The General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, Mutagens, Toxic shock syndrome, The Trilateral Commission, Postal postal workers, Affluenza, Profiteering, Non-native flora and fauna, Disease laden kitchen sponges and dishrags, Confusing ballots, Spontaneous combustion, Subliminal messages, Cold sores, Severe sunburns, Irrational fears, Bacteria, Overuse of antibiotics, Diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and Tetanus vaccines, Better living through science, Television news teasers that say, "If you don't watch our special report tonight, you just might wind up dead by morning!"
LBRT: America becoming a nation of lily-livered wimps, LSD flashbacks
COMM: Hunger and Homelessness

43: What are the best forms of taxation?
CONS: Flat taxes, where everyone pays the exact same dollar amount.
LIBL: Graduated Income Taxes, Corporate Income Taxes, Luxury Taxes , Excess Profits Taxes, Gift Taxes, Estate Taxes, Gasoline Taxes, Windfall Profits Taxes, Sin Taxes, FICA Taxes, Property Taxes, Alcohol Taxes, Guzzler Taxes, Cigarette Taxes, Employer Paid Taxes, Sales Taxes, Oleomargarine Taxes, Junk Food Taxes, Corporate Polluter Taxes, Hotel/Soak the Rich Out of Towner's Taxes, Business Regulation Compliance Costs/Taxes, Behavior Activists Disagree with Taxes
LBRT: Voluntarily pay for government services when you voluntarily use them.
COMM: Taxation is unneeded if you cut out the middleman, and simply enslave the populace directly.

44: Do you think recreational drug use should be legalized?
CONS: No. Drug abuse is a cancer upon our society.
LIBL: Yes, but only if the drugs are taxed, and regulated.
LBRT: Yes. People's bodies belong to themselves--not The State.
COMM: No. Legalizing drugs would imply the populace was extremely unhappy.

45: I commute to work...
CONS: alone in my vehicle that measures its gas consumption in barrels per mile.
LIBL: in an electric car that would probably lose if it ever crashed into anything larger than a Pekingese.
LBRT: on my own two feet.
COMM: using transit for the masses.

46: Describe your ideal prison.
CONS: A cold dark castle dungeon, with naked prisoners hanging by their ankles. No heat. No electricity. And especially--no conjugal visits!!!
LIBL: Win over the prisoners' hearts and minds by showering the inmates with gracious living.
LBRT: There is neither a legal nor a "moral" justification for putting anyone in prison.
COMM: A prison's physical structure is irrelevant; prison is a state of mind.

47: What are unacceptable police tactics?
CONS: Letting someone off with just a warning.
LIBL: Vice Sweeps.
LBRT: Automated traffic enforcement systems that photograph a car's license plate, and then send a ticket to the car's owner.
COMM: Paid informants. Informants should be willing to rat out their friends, coworkers, and family without expecting something in return.

48: Flag burning as a form of political protest is...
CONS: a sacrilege
LIBL: a protected form of freedom of expression.
LBRT: freedom of expression.
COMM: a legitimate form of protest punishable by a firing squad.

49: My favorite holidays are...
CONS: Christmas, Mother's Day, Veteran's Day
LIBL: Valentine's Day, Earth Day, Take Your Daughter to Work Day, Gay Pride Day
LBRT: Independence Day, Bastille Day
COMM: May Day, Labor Day

50: On what criteria should college admissions be based?
CONS: High school grade point average, Standardized college admission test scores, Size of parent's donation to the college's endowment fund
LIBL: Letters of recommendation from teachers, Student's socioeconomic background, Average points scored per game
LBRT: Whatever standards the school you are applying to requires
COMM: Communist Party sponsored community service.

51: Freedom of religion means...
CONS: The freedom for my congressman to pass laws that force everyone to follow the rules of my religion.
LIBL: freedom to censor the government from even indirectly acknowledging God's existence.
LBRT: freedom from following an official State Religion.
COMM: freedom from religion.

52: Rules are...
CONS: Good. They stop evil people from doing bad things.
LIBL: Good. They stop powerful people from doing bad things.
LBRT: Bad. The only thing rules do accomplish is to restrict the freedom of the law-abiding segment of the population.
COMM: Good. They force everyone into one cultural mindset.

53: How do you feel about gay marriage?
CONS: The mere thought of such perversion turns my stomach.
LIBL: It's okay as long as they are discreet.
LBRT: People should be able to marry whomever they want.
COMM: Exile those people to Siberia or San Francisco.

54: What is the best way to deal with the all the hunger caused by the world's population explosion?
CONS: Nothing. There is no population problem. And the Earth is flat. Honestly.
LIBL: Only the natural rainfall that actually falls on the fields may be used to irrigate crops.
LBRT: Nothing. Population and food supply are truly a self-regulating system.
COMM: Prohibit couples from having more than one child per family. Ignore infanticide by parents unhappy with the sex of their firstborn.

55: The solution to traffic congestion is to...
CONS: Build more highways.
LIBL: Quadruple the price of gasoline.
LBRT: Make traffic rules mere suggestions, rather than hard and fast rules.
COMM: Give everybody a free bicycle.

56: What should be the minimum requirements to be eligible to vote?
CONS: Age 35, U.S. Citizen, Property Owner, Never arrested, $100,000 income
LIBL: Age 16, Citizenship Optional
LBRT: Currently in America
COMM: Party membership

57: What does woman's rights mean to you?
CONS: Treat women as goddesses and men so-so.
LIBL: Treat men like crap and women so-so.
LBRT: Treat both men and women like gods.
COMM: Torture both men and women.

58: What should be the minimum wage?
CONS: 75% less than it is right now.
LIBL: High enough so a janitor with six kids can afford a Malibu mansion.
LBRT: Nothing. Minimum wage laws increase the unemployment rate, because companies can only afford so many employees.
COMM: There should be maximum wage laws to prevent greedy owners from earning obscene salaries.

59: Deep within the heart of most people is...
CONS: a vile sinner.
LIBL: a noble soul.
LBRT: an extremist who just wants to be left alone.
COMM: a downtrodden spirit.

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